- When I walk through soot I leave a large carbon footprint.
- Ninety percent of meetings are conspiratorial in nature.
- Sex after 30 is like sex before 30 except without the drive.
- There are more polar bears today than in the 1950's. Yes, they are dying in greater numbers.
- 9/11 is the day that changed everything, including my will to exercise.
- Online dating is the last refuge of scoundrels.
- Gun control is like birth control. You may experience occasional spotting.
- The internet is a large social network of people you would not want to meet.
- Women want me, not for sex, but my disposable income and to go shopping with me.
- I came, I saw, I rolled over and slept.
- The "shocking" reports you read about tasers are true.
- Getting 20% off means your still paying 80% more than when you arrived.
- A woman's reproductive rights need never be infringed upon if they are simply careful in who they screw.
- One picture tells a thousand stories. That's your imagination.
- U2's Bono has a higher opinion of himself than his entire fan base combined. (Unintended conjecture)
- The "Fall of Rome" was more of a long stumble lasting hundreds of years.
- It's not "MySpace" if it has millions of members.
- The educational problems we face today will usher in a new generation of teachers who can't solve these problems either.
- Masturbation is safe sex until you suffer from "Carpal Tunnel Syndrome."
- In the global economy, an "Eye for an Eye" has lost value against the dollar. It now requires an arm or a leg.
- The "Global War on Terror" is being waged against less than 10,000 people of the world's total population. We're losing.
- All "religions of peace" will kill you to prove it.
- "It not a question of if, but when" always remains true IF and WHEN you choose to believe it.
- PETA's greatest issue is that predators still prefer meat over Energy bars. Until they solve this I can't support them.
- Tasers don't kill people, cops with tasers kill people.
- War stimulates economies like a finger on a prostrate gland.
- It's not unlawful for GWB to comtemplate to killing you.
- It's scary to think Brad Pitt is doing more for New Orleans than the government.
- The "Liberal Press" has Stockholm syndrome.
- If pussy were outlawed only women would have pussies.
- We can't build a better mouse-trap but we can build a better mouse with genetic engineering (resistant to cancer even).
- The most accurate news report you'll see on TV is the weather report. Troubling.
- The manufacture of leaf blowers contributes to illegal immigration in a some small way.
- It's looking like countries don't want the US to export freedom anymore.
- People who hate specific groups is a hate crime but people who hate them is legal.
- "Created equal" != "everyone is equal."
- The "good guy always wins" by playing against his peer group.
- If you pay for your newspaper, it isn't supporting free speech.
- It's true, I'm not doing enough for Africa, but I'm equally not doing enough for Europe either.
- Fruits and vegetables have less nutrional value today than 20 years ago.
- Water torture was classified as torture prior to 2001. Today it's simply a minor inconvienence.
- The needs of the few always outweigh the needs of the many, regardless of what Spock says.
- Washington DC has the most strict guns laws in the country and the highest number of gun related crime.
- You can only trust people who do not want to be in charge of anything.
- If you think politics "can't get any worse" you'll always be surprised.
- Shortly after 9/11 Bush told us to "continue shopping." It hasn't made an impact.
- Heterosexuals continue to breed in alarming numbers and a small number of their offspring are homosexuals.
- Truth is not a marketable commodity.
- We elect oligarchs in our "Federal Republic."
- Fear is profitable.
- Amen does not mean "So be it."
- Freedom isn't free, but heavily taxed and requires a license.
- Diversity training is not targeted to minorities.
- Some agency has the motto "By deception do war."
- People are entertained by the "rogue detective who doesn't play by the rules" but they don't want to meet one at the station.
