These are the most nefarious machines in existence. The majority of them are devoted to snack foods, which are as harmful as a blunt weapon, it just takes longer and wreaks more havoc on your body than the aforementioned weapon. If you really want to poison someone, place a vending machine in their house. Fats and sodium are well represented in these "Merchants of Death."

Why are they so well placed? Income is promised to the host (something viruses need to survive). Some retired guy buys a bunch of them as a business opportunity. I assume it's somebody who truly hates humanity and only skill is stocking them and emptying the money. The dream of owning a business after retirement is alluring to people who made it to 65. Obviously not by making visits to vending machines (or VM's in industry logo).

Here's how they work. You're somewhat hungry. They are convenient (This is it's main tactic). After scrounging through your pockets for money you are thankful that the vending machine manufacturers realized that no everyone carries around five dollars in quarters. You already know nothing in it is appealing or healthy. It's decision time. What to buy? Scanning the selection is making a choice between sugar-laden baked goods with 2% bleached wheat, cholesterol saturated chips that will burn as easily as a rubber tire or candy. The candy is essentially the same as the baked goods, but without the wheat.

It's going to take some time to make this decision, don't be surprised. This is where your inner dialog kicks in, trying to justify the shit you are about to put into your body. "The chips are only 85 cents, and the twinkies are a dollar. What am I in the mood for? Oh, mini-muffins! I could eat a few at a time." Yeah, you're kidding yourself because you say "I don't do this often" like a drunken participant of a ill planned one-night stand. You do, and doing so twice a year means you're still looking at health care issues 10 years down the road. Three minutes have passed since you entered in the foray. These three minutes seem to be an eternity (descisions descisions). You have made your selection, a candy bar, because they "suppress hunger" (wink wink). You enter the number and it buzzes and whirs before coming to an abrupt stop. No candy bar, WTF! Of course you'll have bump the machine a few times whilst ignoring the warning that the machine could tip over and "cause death or serious injury." This would be a most tragic way to die and most certainly makes you a contender for next years Darwin Award. Heeding the warning, you add another dollar which is spit out several times. You carefully fold the well-worn dollar and try again. Success! You have the candy bar, although you paid twice as much on it's already high price. Feeling somewhat guilty for the purchase and the toll it's going to take on your body, you move to the next machine for bottled water. It's Artisan springs are appealing to your healthy lifestyle. Of course you'll end up with a high- fructose carbonated beverage because it's out of water, purchased by the legions of guilty victims who preceded you.

The entire goal in the vending industry is placing the biggest package, with the least amount of product, in the smallest space, costing the most amount of money. Best example is anything in a bag. Prices keep going up and the bag gets bigger while the contents are whittled down to a quarter of a bag. It seems the product is ancillary to the fucking air in the bag. I suppose in the near future we'll pay for the privilege of a buying an empty bag, properly branded of course. Maybe they'll be kind enough to place scratch and sniff cards inside so we can at least have the pleasure of knowing just what the hell it was supposed to smell like. Still, "contents may settle during shipment." That phrase simply means "Fuck You Sucker!" It's highway robbery, and you're the broke, disillusioned victim of this crime. The only things worse is having to listen to a Bush speech, Cheney's fear mongering or being the elderly victim of a driveway treatment scam.

You can now find machines with microwaveable foods. Often the microwave is close by, the reason is because they have not found a way to dispense a small microwave. The new goal is packaging that heats or cools the item. The microwave industry will be dealt a death blow when this comes to fruition. I hate microwaves, but this is ridiculous.

Does anyone have doubts about the obesity epidemic in this country and where it comes from? The entire country is based around a junk food, drive-up, instant gratification culture. Reality TV is a vending machine. Which do you prefer, dancing, signing or who get voted off the island? I'm sure to those assholes in this industry "it's all about giving the consumer choice." Bullshit, it's simply about seeing which company can stuff the biggest variety of shit in a box (for a price). The only thing worse than having no choice is too many choices. I hate that word, consumer, they strictly see people as this rather what we really are; marks.

Parents are up in arms about these bandits being placed in schools. The schools often claim the funds are being used in programs for the students. Sure they are! There is the claim that the students aren't being forced to buy anything, but if it's convenient it's a little easier to partake of the fruit of the tree of death dear reader. Conservatives are rabid about condoms being given to kids, but "snack foods of death" are acceptable.

I guess the "Black Arts" are practiced by the companies making these cursed things. "What can we place in a vending machine to ensure profits." It appears anything fits this description, time and space is the only issue preventing the further inclusion of items from being added to the list. There are vending machines for DVDs, toothpaste, feminine hygiene products, hamburgers, lottery tickets and phone cards. The first recorded use of vending machines was to dispense holy water. The only blessing received was placed in the church's coffers.

Get this, in the Netherlands you can purchase condoms and dildos from vending machines. What a fitting place to get items for your "nether regions." A coke, toothbrush and a condom for those times you simply have to fuck something in a pinch. Toss in a pack of Camels for the finishing touch. I suspect the Dutch are simply a people roaming around the Netherlands looking for a fast screw after work. For the ladies, a dildo or vibrator for those nights when Herr Friederdorfstienmeier is out of town. I'm sure they'll place blow-up dolls in them once they work out the logistics and packaging issues.

I fear a future dystopic world in which vending machines rule humanity by doling out scarce unnourishing food to the masses. It keeps them obese and entertained. That day appears to be now. The only part being absent is the snacks being MADE FROM PEOPLE! If you think this is a joke then consider that telemetry is considered an important feature of future vending machines. You should be aware of the names they go by, like:

• Vendstar
• Vending Machines Unlimited
• Vending on Demand

Which seems to imply they are front organizations for malevolent grey aliens from the Draconi Star System. I'd think there is a planet devoted to their manufacturing and shuttled here via warp drive to Area51. It's either a captured UFO or vending machine.

I can imagine a movie opening in the year 5001. The scene starts with a group of urban teens beating each other with cell phones over a mysterious vending machine's last ho-ho.

The fact is that the entire world is now a vending machine, we are cogs in the wheel of servicing this malevolent industry. The last bit of humanity being drained. No longer are we "Hunter-Gatherers," just gatherers. Someday we'll rest upon a heap of waste produced by the the remnants of these packages gasping for air, thirsting for water and starving. The vending machines are all empty. We'll have no experience finding resources, because we formerly relied on the vast supply chain of third world labor and greedy corporations to fulfill our insatiable demand for a quick fix.

Will the United Nations start dropping vending machines into impoverished countries for "humanitarian relief" sometime in the future?

I can only imagine the surprise of a small child when an old-timer tells them about homemade grilled cheese sandwiches instead of being selection "B2."

A brave new world, products on demand, neatly packaged and disposable under a warm fluorescent glow for maximum profit.