Redneck Rocket Launcher
Or "How to burn several hundreds of dollars in 1 minute."
Well, the time of year has passed where we celebrate our nation's independence by shooting fireworks made in China. The sights, the sounds, the smells of burning gunpowder and human flesh are behind us. With the miracle of the Internet, my redneck brethen can acheive fame for a year, until another breaks a fireworks record or gains coverage from the liberal media for missing limbs and property damage. The fireworks safety coverage from a "Eyewitness News SkyTrac Action Team" is certain.
Fireworks. It's what makes a man in a rural community, or a legend in the trailer park. It's a rite of passage. Sure, we rednecks all cut our eyeteeth on the first missing finger or throbbing thumb. It's the new twist on lighting a firework or the display of a sheer volume of combustuble elements that propels us (or our digits) to fame.
Let's make a clear distinction between rich white suburban kids and true rednecks. Rednecks are not amused by dropping Mentos in a cola product, or sticking a bottle rocket in their ass and lighting it. Those are simple parlour tricks for kids who smoke poppy seeds for a brief high. Kids whose parents are rarely around due to bikini waxing and driving golf balls at the range. Kids who need acceptance of their ridiculous stunts from their peers because they have to be outside (MTV is not re-running Jackass). For a redneck, it's about honor and gaining the respect of your small community.
A Redneck is a best described as a man who:
- Has one running car, in need of body work and a spare in the front yard for parts
- At least one ex-wife
- A large wife or in a relationship with a girl half his age
- Knows how to use duct tape to fix anything
- Willing to place fireworks on lay-a-way
- Recognize the merits of WD-40 (including health benefits)
- Wears Oakley sunglasses
- A collection of Harley-DavidsonT-shirts for dressing up and nights on the town (points for having a Harley)
Materials needed for fireworks display:
- Beer*
- Cut-off shorts*
- Well worn baseball cap*
- Cigarettes*
- Bricks
- Steel fence gate
- Extra fuse*
- Duct tape*
- Chicken wire*
- An intense desire to blow shit up
- A friends camcorder
- 8,500 bottle rockets
*Staple items for a redneck, like flour and salt.
