An early technological feat was the invention of the television remote. Tired of getting up to change the channel? Use the remote!

Zenith is proud to have brought the world 50 years of channeling surfing.

Let me show you there is nothing to be proud of....

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From ABC News:

'Nobody Goes to Hell': Minister Labeled a Heretic
One Minister Challenges the Idea of Hell and Loses His Congregation

No shit. This minister challenges the whole "Hellfire and Brimstone" story and gets booted from his church.

The 'internet enabled' refrigerator. Another useless technological marvel. I guess this gives new meaning to an 'internet appliance.' How many people have bought this and placed it on a desk?

They are everywhere. You can purchase them in markets and find online Internet greeting cards. In a few seconds, over the Internet, you can wish people well, regardless if they want to be wished well or not. I'm a big fan of online greeting cards because I can filter them out of my inbox easily.

Ever hear of the 1% doctrine? It's also called "Cheney's Doctrine" and can be summed up as:

"Even if there's just a 1 percent chance of the unimaginable coming due, act as if it is a certainty. It's not about 'our analysis,' as Cheney said. It's about 'our response.' … Justified or not, fact-based or not, 'our response' is what matters."

Author Ron Suskind wrote the book "The 1% doctrine" that shed light on Cheney's rationale.

What happens when we apply this to everything? If there is a 1% chance...

These are the most nefarious machines in existence. The majority of them are devoted to snack foods, which are as harmful as a blunt weapon, it just takes longer and wreaks more havoc on your body than the aforementioned weapon. If you really want to poison someone, place a vending machine in their house. Fats and sodium are well represented in these "Merchants of Death."

Why are they so well placed? Income is promised to the host (something viruses need to survive). Some retired guy buys a bunch of them as a business opportunity. I assume it's somebody who truly hates humanity and only skill is stocking them and emptying the money. The dream of owning a business after retirement is alluring to people who made it to 65. Obviously not by making visits to vending machines (or VM's in industry logo).

• I'd buy a textile factory in Asia to make black turtle-neck sweaters to my exact specifications.
• I'd have my office painted white along with a single chair, also white.
• The boardroom would be painted as a blue-screen to allow Pixar to change scenery upon a "streaming media event."
• I would never wear the same sweater twice.
• I would be careful not to spend money on the vending machine as the cost is equal to my yearly salary from Apple; $1.00.
• I would implant the prototype version of the iPod shuffle, smaller than a grain of sand under my skin. Music to go, anywhere.
• My 30,000 square foot home would only have one room. Less is more.
• My chef would also be Jonathon Ives. Each item of my dish would follow the principles of "form and function" and sound industrial design.
• Each time I had sex I would introduce the "Next Big Thing."
• I'd start off every sentence with, "Just one more thing."
• Make sure all my ice cubes followed the form factor of the G4 cube along with the Apple logo.
• Each sentence would end with "That's the stupidest thing I've heard."
• Have a team of people who continuously work on updating the Apple logo.
• Ensure everyone on the Apple campus doesn't listen to Beatles music from Apple Corp.
• Make an application called "iPresentation." It uses presentation loops, like Garageband uses music loops, for building spoken presentations the Apple way.
• Make a personal computer shaped like a toaster to fulfill my vision of having an Apple computer in every house like a toaster.
• Every child of mine would be named "Lisa" regardless of gender.
• Being on the board of directors at Disney/Pixar I would change Mickey's colors to a polished blue bevel effect.
• Goofy would be referred to as the "intellectually challenged dog."
• My Gulfstream Jet would be painted with high contrast colors, like an iPod commercial.
• I would ensure ambient lighting was used in every room of the Apple Campus to ensure no object or person would cast a shadow.
• I would ensure Mac OS X had so many cool features it would be useless. It would simply be an experience akin to taking acid.
• I would market a line of clothing to the general public which looks exactly like mine, yet only came in my size to keep costs down.
• I would write my autobiograhy, which would only be a forward following by 300 blank pages.
• My entire iMovie library only consists of other peoples family I do not know.
• I would have a staff dedicated to creating my music with GarageBand. Each loop would be recorded by U2.
• Make a quarter scale reproduction of the Apple Campus at Disneyworld.
• Ensure Michael Eisner is my gardener.
• Make a car than plugs into an iPod as an accessory rather than the iPod being the accessory.
• Make a line of lollipops that looked like Apple icons. They'd truly be "lickable."
• Trademark "Digital Lifestyle" and patent the idea of using electronic devices for any purpose. I would then own the world (except Amish communities).
• Feverishly work to try to make an iPod simple enough for Dubya to use.
• A section of the iTunes music store would carry a collection of "Bushisms."

I've got more to come. Enjoy these.